abuse recovery central

Dealing with Accusations

by Pat Gundry

> How do you handle the attacks and accusations of other people who are telling you that because you left your husband, you have disobeyed God?

I highly recommend Mary Poppins' attitude. She pulled herself up straight and said, levelly, "I want to make one thing perfectly clear--I never explain anything." Thing is, and this is difficult for victims because they've tried very hard to please (one reason they make good victims) and be considerate and blameless, you don't owe anyone an explanation for your actions. One way abusers work their dirty deeds is through the use of questions. Notice how some people use questions to control  others, to make them uncomfortable, to invade boundaries, to use as an excuse for getting insulted, getting angry, getting their feelings  hurt.

It's useful to experiment and train yourself to not answer questions  you don't want to answer. I used to think it was only good manners to  answer questions that were asked me. But I learned that I don't have to do that, and there are many ways of stepping aside. As in, when I   was once told there was a ladies meeting coming up and they'd like me to be there. I did not explain, I just said, "Thanks, but I won't be able to be there." The response was an abrupt, imperious, "Why not?"  I did not answer the question, but kindly restated, "I won't be able to come," and changed the subject.

Another possibility for responding to the people who think they have a right to imply or state that you are in the wrong, is to stand firmly and with dignity, look them in the eye and say, "Some people have a good public behavior and a very different private behavior. I  left my husband because of his private behavior."  Then, look at them meaningfully, and walk away, or look away, or change the subject.

Another response to this sort of thing is to say, "It has been very difficult for me to have to make this decison, taking me years of trouble to come to it. And it's been and will be very difficult for me to have to do all the things that are coming to me as a result. I hope you understand that it's not something I really want to talk  about right now."

Yet another, is to say, "Thank you for caring. I'm sure you know  there is much more to the story than you have heard. I hope you'll  understand that I'm doing what is absolutely necessary."

> Why do people side with an abuser who claims to have repented and ignore the needs of the abuse victim?

There are several reasons why people will side with a repenter and against the one who is taking action to protect themself from future injury.

   1. They may be trying to carry out poor instructions they've received from bad preaching/teaching. They don't know what to do, feel they should do something, and so parrot what they've been taught without thinking it through.
   2. They may simply not know what to do, but think they should say  something. And what they usually say in such a case is something  critical, limiting, or negative. As in, what I thought grownups  always did when the children were having a lot of fun. They'd say,   "Go outside and see what they're doing, and tell them to stop." Sort of, "it's always safe to be again' it."
   3. They may envy you for some ability you have that they think they do not. This situation gives them an opportunity to try to "take you down a peg."
   4. They may feel guilty because they are afraid they've had a hand in causing the problem.
   5. They may feel ashamed and guilty because they think they may have  caused the problem to be worse, or not helped prevent it earlier.
   6. Lots of Christians, have goofy ideas about forgiveness. They really don't understand the implications of what they claim to believe, but they don't hesitate to tell other people to act on those goofy beliefs.

But, the important thing to remember is that what they think and/or  say has nothing to do with you. You are the one who decides, who has  the most at risk, and who is responsible for your actions.

Pat Gundry
www.patriciagundry.com

Humiliation

by Pat Gundry

I did want to comment on the humiliation victims so often feel when the abuse becomes public. It's such a common experience, I think it deserves some attention and discussion.

 The victim has been essentially asked to live a lie by the abuser from the time the abuse began. It goes like this: The abuse episode happens, and the abuser claims they aren't to blame, and blames the victim. The victim knows this isn't true, but because they've been carefully selected by the abuser, they don't run out and tell everyone who will listen what has just happened. They are shocked,  jarred, and knocked off center. So they are immobilized instead,  trying to figure it out, wondering what sparked the episode, wondering if they could have done to prevented it.

At some point, following that episode, or some future one, the abuser  goes to the next step and becomes "sorry." First they deny they did  it, or meant it, or that it was their own fault. But, then, eventually, they admit it,cry and are full of remourse. They are so sorry, it wasn't the "real" them, they did it because they were tired, or drunk, or had a bad childhood, or are having trouble at work, etc. They beg for forgiveness and promise it will never happen again.

Does the victim look them in the eye and say, "Right, it won't ever happen again, because I'm outta here.! No, because the victim is a kind and loving person who wants to understand, and also wants to believe. Does it never happen again because the victim says, "Right, because if it does, you will have to sleep sometime, and I have a nice cast iron skillet in there that will fit the corner of your block head just right." No, because that wouldn't be the nice thing  to say. Does the victim at least go and tell everyone who should care? No, because that would be cruel to the poor creature who has poured his heart out in anguish--it would humiliate him! She stays silent.

Fast forward to years later when the victim finally stops believing the lies and the promises and reveals the secret she's been hiding.  She has been, for years, humiliated silently and secretly every time  she had to appear in public with the man and not shout out what he's been doing to her. She's also humiliated because he's helped her feel    insignificant and defective, because she's made a bad choice in a  husband, because she's not been able to get free, because she knows she's been living a lie and didn't know how not to because she thought the cost was too great if she stopped.

Being willing to face that feeling of humiliation is a first step to letting it go and realizing that it's not the feeling they have to have, that they can go on to pride in being strong enough to face it, strong enough to stand up for themselves, strong enough to not care so much "what other people think," strong enough to move beyond  focusing on the abuser and focusing on themself instead.

The humiliation is greater for some people than it is for others.When it is, it takes that much more wisdom and strength to face it. One woman was married to a fellow psychologist and had written a book on marriage with him as co-author. They were also in business together in the same clinic, and had a blended family. She discovered he was having an affair, and didn't want to break up with the woman he was involved with.

They had signed a contract with the publisher to promote their new book on marriage together on TV talk shows across the country and had   to honor it. She told me that she had to appear on those talk shows with him, sitting beside him onstage pretending they were not  divorcing, and in spite of the fact he was living with another woman. (She'd asked him to at least wait until the tour was over to move in with his new love. He had refused.). She was completely discredited, she felt, in her profession and publicly humiliated. She quit her own   radio show, left the practice, and moved to another state to start over.

 There are public figures, including public Christians, who face the loss of their livelihood, trashing of their books, and national  derision when they divorce their spouses. A case in point, Anita  Bryant. How do you imagine she felt, having written good things about her marriage, when she divorced her husband, knowing she would face the destruction of her career writing for the religious marketplace as well? Humiliated? Probably. And then she moved on.

Patricia Gundry
suitcase@mich.com
http://www.patriciagundry.com

On Marriage

by Pat Gundry

When I began writing my book Heirs Together I thought it important to define marriage early on. It's always a good idea to determine what one is talking about before one begins talking about it, I thought. So, I began researching marriage historically, what it has been, how  we came to think of it as we do today.

What I found is that marriage has been many things throughout history. Only one constant was present, that marriage is a more or less personal relationship between two people, usualy a man and a woman. That's all. During most of the history of marriage it has not been a religious ceremony, but an agreement between families  and/or  the two people involved. It was a practical matter, not a religious matter.

Marriage ceremonies were often very simple, and did not require the services of a priest or religious representative. The church insinuated itself into the business of marriage and turned it into a religious ceremony in which the woman ceased to be a person, but was joined with the person of the husband. That's how we get, "man and wife," not "husband and wife," and why a married woman was known, not as Mary Jones, but as Mrs. John Jones--he was still John Jones, however.

Christians, raised to believe that marriage is some sacred pact with God and that the two people are somehow inseparable, are taught that the metaphor about the church being the bride of Christ has something to do with their own marriages.

Historically, and legally today, a "real" marriage is any marriage mthat the culture defines as marriage. It's a real marriage even if the couple hates each other, or lives separately, etc., if that is what is legally and culturally considered marriage.

People often think that it's not a marriage anymore if the couple no longer love each other, or one has betrayed the other, or broken their vows. It may not feel like a real marriage, but it still is until it is legally disolved, because all marriage actually is is a legal designation. The couple has certain rights they can go to court to try to claim and have some hope that those rights will be upheld.

Personally, I believe everyone should negotiate a marriage contract, as is common in certain parts of the world, and which was often done historically. If that is done, and abuse defined and listed as part of what would break the contract and have certain penalties, then there will automatically be some deterrent to abuse, and some protection from it. And clear penalties if it occurs.

The church needs to catch up with the times and be more realistic about marriage and divorce--and abuse. Christians need to know that they are responsible to create their marriages and not be hounded and coerced to stay in them if their best efforts at creating a satisfying one for themselves aren't working.

I think what we are doing on this list is part of the solution to the problem, shining light in some dark medieval corners the church still hasn't examined well enough.

Pat Gundry
suitcase@mich.com
http://www.patriciagundry.com

Abuse as addiction?

By Pat Gundry

I believe abuse is a form of addiction, that is, the abuser uses abuse to change their emotional/physical state just as a tobacco addict uses a cigarette to change their state. It becomes an  addiction when other state change agents fall away and the addictive agent becomes the main or only way the addict can change their  state.

Then they are dependent on it.

The abuser uses abuse to change their own emotional state. They "give away" whatever feeling they are uncomfortable with, to the victim. If they are sad, they make the victim sad, if they are angry, they make the victim angry, etc., then the abuser feels better.

So, no matter what the victim does, she/he can't win. They are there in the abusers life in order to satisfy their need for a victim.

Abusers get secondary satisfaction by reminding the victim of abuse. They may bring up a previous episode in casual conversation just  to see the victim remember their humiliation or fear. I'm thinking  someof them would get satisfacton at hearing the victims recount their  pain at being abused. Abuse isn't quite like a crime of passion or robbery committed by someone who doesn't think it really affects others. Abuse's whole purpose is to make someone else feel bad.

Also, abusers can create separate parts of their personality for the abuse/non-abuse environments. They will even say they find it difficult to remember clearly the abusive episodes later, that they  switch gears. They can be horrified at someone else's abuse, not   realizing that they are guilty of the same class of action. It's like  the adulterer in the play The Crucible, by Arthur Miller, who when  asked to recite the 10 Commandments, could recite all of them except  the one about adultery, which he could not remember.

"I admit, I have a very dismissive attitude toward abusers. I almost  don't think they can BE helped. I'm sure that's not true (God's  more powerful than that) but I've not often seen it!"

I think it's probably possible, but not with most of what is offered  as help at this time. Abuse is often treated as though it's an anger  problem, which it is not, or a lack of control, which it definitely   is not. I believe it is an addiction, and must be treated as such for  change to happen.

Counseling for abuse has had a low to zero success rate. I have heard news of some program that claims better success, but don't know anything about it or whether it has proved to be as lastingly successful as it claims.

The low success rate, and inappropriate approach in most abuse situation counseling needs to reinforce the victim's determination to focus on their own life and get away from the abuser rather than waste her energy and time on trying to "help" or "fix" him, or "give him the benefit of the doubt."

  --
Pat Gundry
www.PatriciaGundry.com

Dealing with love for abuser

by Pat Gundry

What do you do when you still love the nice side of your husband?

Remind yourself that it is OK to keep the love you had and have. You are living apart from him and changing the nature of your  relationship because it is the wisest and sanest thing to do. It  doesn't have to do with love, but with action that is necessary.

Nobody teaches people how to manage loving predators, those who hurt  us or hurt those we love. It's as though everything is supposed to be good or bad, when often it's just plain a mixture.

I think the way to deal with it is to allow both the good and the bad to co-exist and to make our decisions on what needs to be done, ought to be done, has to be done, not on how we feel about the one who we love but cannot live with because it is destructive and wrong.

Don't try to reconcile it. Just let it be unreconciled. Eventually, when you get further from this time, it will sort itself out.

Pat Gundry
suitcase@mich.com
http://www.patriciagundry.com

Extreme Self Care, Why It Matters

Extreme Self Care
by Pat Gundry

Personal coaches encourage their clients do what we call  "extreme self-care." It's a very pleasant way to expand one's horizons, learn how to take good care of the person everyone is supposed to take good care of--because it's your job, and because also, then other people won't have to take care of you because you didn't bother to.

Clients are often stymied when I ask them to add lots of  pleasure to their life, add pleasure to everything they do. I can  hear the puzzled silence on the phone, and then often a "...what  do you mean?" They are so unaccustomed to treating  themselves really well, having pleasure doing it and adding pleasure everywhere that they've forgotten how.

One can use the imagination to get started. Suppose you had  the resources of Cleopatra, what would you have your servants do for you?

It runs all the way from sensual pleasures like eating a gelato scoop with slow, total immersion in the taste, texture, and satisfaction, to facials, walks in the mist, sitting by a fountain, reading a delicious book, writing poetry, playing with children, lying on the grass looking at clouds, taking a nap, buying flowers  for one's self, a pedicure, new luxurious underwear, perfume, to stopping at every step on the stairs to recall a joyful experience and savor it fully again.

It's adding so much pleasure to your life/experience, all the time, that it frees you up, shines you up, and makes joy a natural thing again.

Coaching clients sometimes don't take self care too seriously at  first. They usually go along with it to humor the coach and because it's sort of a pleasant idea. But, when they've engaged in extreme self care for awhile, they begin to understand that the benefits  go far beyond what they thought they'd get when they began self care improvements.

Extreme self care (just what it sounds like) is even more important for people who have been abused. They need to remember how important and valuable they are, how they have been valued in the past by those who really understood how fine they are, and treat themselves the way they really deserve to be treated, which is excellently.

And, think about it, if you want other people to value you and treat you really well, then you'd better show them a good example by treating yourself that way. If you want others to value you, you have to value you. And extreme self care is just a hands-on way of valuing ourselves.

Pat Gundry
suitcase@mich.com
http://www.patriciagundry.com

How should churches help survivors of abuse?

We need to think of abuse in tiers, or layers, or antecedents and  work on those. When I read about a tragic abuse situation in the news I always think, I want to know the story behind the story. What happened in the lives of the perpetrators or the ones who didn't protect the victims that made it possible for them to act as they did? How was this abuse situation created, and what needed to be different in those people's lives that would have made it never happen at all?

Abuse is usually a multigenerational skill, as is being victim fodder. How can the church help prevent the abuse set-up at its source?

Some thoughts:

The authoritarian mindset (maybe more about that later) doesn't cause abuse, but it creates a climate in which it can flourish. Teaching and supporting individual responsibility for one's behavior helps avoid that mindset. So teaching the doctrine of the Priesthood of the Believer, and supporting its application would help.

Avoiding restrictive, limiting, or derogatory stereotypes in illustration and metaphor in sermons and teaching would help.

Pastors need to be trained in college and seminary about abuse components and environments friendly to abuse. Because abuse is so bwidespread in church families and in church practices the area needs to be a part of pastoral training. And the training about it needs to be competent and well informed, not a minimalist rehash of outdated christianized pop psychology based ideas.

Personally, I believe the usual interpretations of "becoming one flesh" passages in the Bible and the usual application of those interpretations are off the mark and help create a climate friendly to abuse. They make it difficult if not impossible for married couples to retain their own individual autonomy as persons, and thereby cause conflict in marriage and put potential victims at additional risk.

No one should have to give up their self to become "one" with someone else. Historically it's a flawed doctrine and doesn't have a very pretty origin. It has to do with the belief, via Aristotle and Thomas Aquinas, that woman is not made in the image of God, but only becomes so when joined in marriage (becoming "one") with man, who is, of course, made in the image of God. As it was put, "They become one person, and he is that person," and that's why newlyweds were referred to as Mr. and Mrs. John Doe. She has ceased to exist as a person because she has become absorbed by his person.

People don't become "one" person when they get married. The verse says "one flesh" not "one person," but because the original reason for thinking they become one person has been forgotten, it is still preached as though it's that way.

Pat Gundry
suitcase@mich.com
http://www.patriciagundry.com

About the Abuse Recovery Central email discussion list

The email discussion list Abuse Recovery Central is owned by a group of long time subscribers, of which I am one. It was originally created by Galina Freed, who has moved on to other projects and handed over the management and moderation to the present group owners.

Many of the posts here appeared in their original form on the Abuse Recovery Central discussion list. 

The email discussion list's front page describes the list's focus and purpose as An abuse recovery support group operating from the positional framework of Biblical Equality, offering support, scriptural counsel and prayer to Christian women and men in abusive situations.

"We offer prayer, a kind word and a listening ear, as well as practical advice stemming from personal experience and our understanding of the Scripture to women and men in abusive situations/relationships."
 

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Click to join abuse-recovery-central

What to do with those crazymaking double messages

Crazymaking: giving mixed messages, opposing messages, double binds, saying one thing and doing its opposite, behaving opposite to one's words.

1. Identify crazymaking messages/behaviors for what they are. Whenever you have that gut feeling that what you've just heard doesn't stack up, stop and identify for yourself: what is the mismatch, the contradictory information, the non-sense to it? The first requirement is that you are clear about what has just happened, that you don't internalize a crazymaking message as a valid message.

2. Decide what your best response is. You may choose to simply respond internally by saying to yourself, "That's a contradictory message." Or, "The words don't match the non-verbals or actions."

You may decide to respond to the one making the statement or exhibiting the behavior with, "That doesn't add up." Or, "That doesn't make sense to me," without asking or even desiring to discuss it further. This is best done in a level tone without any accusation or complaint, just simply stating that it isn't a sentence or claim that makes sense, or doesn't match up with what you are seeing.

3. Notice whether the double message is a warning of action that may come. With some abusers a crazymaking statement or double message is an indication that more abuse is to follow. That someone is vulnerable and the abuser is going to strike further into vulnerable territory. If that is the observed abuser's style, then get away from them, protect the vulnerable people. Avoid the abuser and get you and the children away into other activities where they are less vulnerable.

4. Strengthen your own personal boundaries and beef up your self-care. Double messages are intended to make people feel confused and vulnerable, insecure and doubtful. Use this opportunity to make yourself and those you love see things clearly, and be more fully protected. Use it as fuel for moving in the direction of enriching yourself and your children rather than retreating in vulnerable fear or sadness.

5. When you get double messages or crazymaking it may be an invitation from the abuser for you to engage in an argument or fight. Do something else instead. Create distance from them. Don't reward the double message with what they are going for, let them learn through experience that it doesn't work and gets them even less of what they want.

6. Remember that action works better to get what you want than talk does, especially with an abuser.

copyright Patricia Gundry 2008

About This Site

This site is here to be a resource center for people who are interested in the subject of abuse. It is for everyone who wants to stop abuse, prevent abuse, recover from abuse, get away from an abuser, protect someone who is being abused, or simply wants to make the world a safer, kinder place.

If you know about resources or information that you think should be here, please email me and tell me about it.

Disclaimer: This is a resource site only. The owner disavows any responsiblilty for material that may appear on linked sites. The site owner is not a therapist, and does not present herself as such. She is a researcher and personal coach, and all information here should be read and used with that understanding.

Pat Gundry
site owner

This site is here to be a resource center for people who are interested in the subject of abuse. It is for everyone who wants to stop abuse, prevent abuse, recover from abuse, get away from an abuser, protect someone who is being abused, or simply wants to make the world a safer, kinder place.

If you know about resources or information that you think should be here, please email me and tell me about it.

Disclaimer: This is a resource site only. The owner disavows any responsiblilty for material that may appear on linked sites. The site owner is not a therapist, and does not present herself as such. She is a researcher and personal coach, and all information here should be read and used with that understanding.

Pat Gundry
site owner